The authorities furnished us with this surveillance report on the 'Captain':
D.C.
22,
In^g^^ IdSn^u cky Dear Kr. Fly:
In re yr request for Information regarding the activities and whereabouts of one "Captain" Kentucky, the facts, as they have been brought to light by the untiring efforts of two of our finest agents, Rudy du Toot and Peed i. Petite, are simply
thesei
' '"^ntain" is in reality one Harold ,'arp, a scrawny wea "»il circle of fr        *s "the votld's
Captaj... " ,
jfforts of two of ouj .       : agents, nuuj -
thesei
The elusive self-anointed "Captain" is in reality one Harold ,'arp, a scrawny weakling long known to his infinHesimally small circle of friends as "the world's oldest living adolescent."   He has, however, lately begun to suppose, After the classic pattern of the criminally insane paranoid schisophrenic pinko feeb with delusions of grandeur, that the mere utterance of certain "magic" words render him (ha ha) invincible*  "'he so-called "magic" words are (interestingly enough) "Flngerlickin * good I" and he apparently believes, does this Warp, that he has only to utter this timeworn and honorable phrase and there appears, instantaneously emblazoned upon the heavens in full-edlor 3-D, an enormous manifestation of a "Colonel" Saunders ("The only officer who outranks me*" Warp has been heard to boast), who bears in his right fist a scepter in the shape of a gigantic chicken drumstick, which he extends to said Warp, intoning, in a voice like thunder, the vords "Heah y* go, son, have y*self a 11*1 toke on this?"   And lnstanter, as it were, that is to say, on the spot, so to speak, the feeble Warp is transmogrified into his supposedly omnipotent "altered ego," the so-called "Captain" Kentucky, in which guise he goes about inscribing his odious motto (his "mantra," he calls It"whatever that means) on the walls of mens' rooms, to wit:
Cftfc*
of this contention is adequately illustrated by the -^ww (oncloscd) samples of tiall's attempts to render Warp's communique.*-! into verse fom, and the point needs no further a-nplif i cat ion.   Agent Mai 3 was, of course, Inmed lately retired from the Bureau when his delusion became apparent (he is currently residing at the Katson Helfry Hest Home, " ew red lam, Conn.), and the tfarp case was at that time put In the very capable hands of Agents du .'oot and Petite.
To date, as far an du Toot and Petite have been able to determine. Warp has engaged in no over*/criminal activity.   lately, however, he has taken to running with a very fast crowd"among then: the depraved jet set pacifist and Internationally despised chickenshlt Count Down, his patron and Inamorato the notorious faggot Prince L'ezz, the high society courtesan "Lady" Cphella Tltfer-Tatt, the degenerate vaseline heir playboy Dillin|*8Worth R. "Dill" Doe, the unrepentant former Nasi death camp commandant Horst Petard, the infamous sexual athlete Oliver Sudden (leading contender for the record held jointly since 19**7 hy .'ohnny Puckerffcster and the south-of-the-border swinger Speedy "Zeep iiet Down an* Wheep Eet Cut" Gonzales), and the mysterious Tijuana herb exporter known only as "the Veja Dude" (because, according to the underworld grapevine, "once you've seen him, you keep running into him wherever you go") "but, *'r. Fly, you and your readers may rest assured that our office is keeping very close tabs on this Warp, and on his friend the "Colonel" too, for that matter, and the first tine they step out of line, SplatI, boy, no questions asked *
Tours for a Hetter America,
Percy P. Cassidy, Director Federal 3ureau of Lawn Ordure
CAN r*A-i
As evidence of the absurdity of this itarp9s claim that .he possesses the power to transform himself from a poltroon of the first water into some kind of a veirdo sike-o-deellk so-called superhero, I submit the enclosed unretouched snapshot*?, taken with the aid of telefoto ultraviolet x-ray lenses under the most difficult conditions (which accounts for their lack of any semblance of "artistic" merit, incidentally) by our former %£ent James Baker Hall.   Some of these fotos were taken before Warp's supposed metamorphosis into "Captain" Kentucky, some after, and I Challenge you and your readers to determine which is which.   I might add, hove"vert that as Agent Hall snapped these plx, something Apparently snapped in his mind as wellj he became obsessed with the mad notion that the aforementioned Warp is in fact a reincarnation of the late great Kentucky poet James William Jewell (who can for^t his immortal "All 'Mil to Cur Kentucky Legislature!" with such stirring lines as "These men have passed the laws to make our state great / They always do the best thing for their gre&t state"?), to the point that he actually attempted to transcribe a number of so-called "poems" which, he believes, this Varp transmitted to him via some secret method of extiA^sensory perception.  The ludicrousmeg
blue-tail fly/17