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The ECernel ECentucecy

100 Tel. Student
Owned & Operated

UNIVERSITY

VOLUME XXX

Z246

Ql'KEME TAKES POWDER

Keruel

MAY

I'MO

NUMBER t.l

BOARD CHOOSES

...

Queen Wilhelmina. dowager iu
chief of Holland. was seen yesterday enjoying a Tom Collins in a
London pub. where she is taking refuge until the mess dies down at
home. The Queen's mother seemed
deeply distressed over the situation
in hy home country, but counseled.
It's a damn shanve what Adolf's doing to my potted plants," she said,
but adder. "But what the hell, I
should worry, I ain't in it. What a
war; Jhem sap6 over there fighting
the Huns, me over here with Tom
Collinses." I guess I ain't so rusty
huh, kid?"
OLD BAG . . .
The Dutch, however, seemed
somewhat perturbed over the situation. In a press release from the
official headquarters last night,
N. Uisance. leader of what is left
of the Dutch forces, heatedly
blamed Wilhelmnia for skipping out
when the shooting began. "What a
bag." said the Gen., adding that she
had "taken a powder when the heat
was on."
GERMAN LINE ADVANCES . . .
reports from the
Moreover,
Meuse River section indicate that
German successes are swiftly crippling the last phases of French resistance.
After three days of hard
marches, the German troops are reported to have halted temporarily
in the Village of Shapely-Anklnear Calfe, where they are meeting
with unprecedented success in
cleaning up the village. An eyewitness statement, made by Mile.
Secksy Hippe, local glamour girl
and recent May Queen of Meuse
A&M, said that the German soldiers were "terrific." "Chee , I aint
never seen the like in all my life,"
said Miss Hippe. "Why, de advances
dese Goiman boys make it's enough
to upset ya. And dis Goiman line,
Chee; All time they're trying to
cover a lot of territory, but ain't
none of 'em getting smart wit me.
Why just last nite. this Lieutenant
says to me. Poil,' he says Ver
wasting ya time here, babe. Why
in Boilin. you'd be the biggest movie
f tar ever they seen."
F. D. NAMED TO SOFT SPOT . . .
Reliable sources from the
offices stated tonite that
F. D. Roosevelt has been
named General Sales Promotion
Manager for Dupont Munitions
Company, Inc. Roosevelt, according
to the Board of Directors, has done
more in the past two weeks to help
the company get rid of its old surpluses and guns and stuff than all
the dictators in Europe. Said Roosevelt. "You Just gotta be slick, that's

Blitzkrieg War Wages Unabated
As Kelly Leads Slide Rule Boys
Engineering College Fell Down Yesterday

...

Hollywood's Veigh
Gains Presidency

Board Selects Brand New Prexy

Report Says Lawyers
Are Holding
Their Own

ALGIEZ.BUZON

v, ,

Changing horses ( ?) in
an engineering communique last
night reported that Graham had
been overthrown in favor of Kop
Kelly, who usurped the government
by rash promises about love. Kelly
immediately issued order that the
blitzkreig war which threatens to
engulf the entire campus continue
boys
"unabated" until the slide-ruforce an entrance to the law colmid-strea- m

JTSSA

IS STILL SITTING

Injured Man Awaits
Treatment

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five. minutes after a Kernel photographer ambled by
and snapped this picture of two unidentified patriots attempting to hold up the sliderule boys' latest architectural miscarriage. The crash, which resulted from a
slipping foundation, could be heard as far away as
The bodies of the two martyrs could not be
found in the wreckage. When asked about the catastrophe, Dean Graham hurrumphed, "It must have been

...

Nich-olasvill-

BELGIAN KIDS CATCH HELL . . .
German troops tonight drove
through streets littered with the
bodies of dead and dying Belgian
children, sometime having to wade
through blood waist deep. The
troopers objected to this, saying it
was "silly," and in "wTetchedly poor
taste," but were persuaded by Associated Press photographers to go
ahead, with promises of beer.
"Hein," said the troopers, "what
these Americans won't do for news.
Imagine killing all those kids and
then hiring us to walk thru them.
But you know Americans, they're
crazy."
McVEY SPEAKS . . .
President McVey, doing a swan
Fpeech in Mem. hall, addressed a
large group of students today, on
the subject of College. In opening,
McVey said "Hello."
He continued, and concluded by,
saying, "June is a thrilling month."

third termites."

An Unidentified Organization
Throws Brawl In Rear Room
An

unidentified

organization

en-

tertained with a general brawl following the appointment of Livien
Veigh to the presidency ot the University in the upstairs backroom of
an unidentified dive
Decorations were empty aeec and
whisky bottles and a fev unidentified women. The entertainment
of the evening was supplied by a
burlesque troop under the diieclion
of an unidentified publicity direc-

have them, the unidentified
pus cop said.

cam-

GRAGIS WANTS PEACE

Peter

A. Gragis,

with his usual
shyness, didn't want us to let it out,
but there's going to be a Peace
Meeting at 12 noon today in front
of the Union.
It is expected that a mess of
students will be present, they hope.

tor.
About 30 unidentified guests attended but haven't been seen since.
Walk on the grass, that's what
Anyone who can go their btil can it's there for.

WHAT THEY THINK
THEY THINK

Remember that propaganda and
censorship afTect all news from
these liers.
Official sources in the law college reported, that they were "still
holding their ground" and that only
a few windows had been shattered.
They declined to comment as to
whether this was internal or external work. Minister of War Vogeler
did admit that several members of
the parachute troops had dropped
through holes in the law college
roof.
Vogeler attributed his legalists'
loss of ground to a "fatal error' on
the part of one Bob Nash, who has
long been pursuing an appeasement
policy with the Graham government. Nash could not be reached
last night for comment, but it was
understood that he would evade the
charge, somehow, someway.
An earlier communique from the
neutral commerce college reports
e
that the
boys are
massing In Mclntyre's office. It is
believed that the Graham troops
will attempt a pincer movement on
the law college through this neutral
ground. The historic old Museum
was demolished early yesterday by
the aggressors in pushing forward
toward commerce. One Kernel
reported his surprise at
finding among the wreckage Commerce's Free Hunter who had been
masquerading as a neolithic prehistoric. It was believed that Hunter
had lost his way and stopped in at
the Museum to chat with his ancestors when the catastophre happened.
Mass movements of refugees were
reported in the Union building
where Shropshire lay simpering in
the corner. "My cash box! My poor
little cash box!" he moaned. Red
Cross Director Sarah G. Blanding
was sprawled in the middle of the
ballroom where her chassis had been
bombed. A Kernel reporter discovered tufts of hair on the floor and
traced these tufts to the head from
which they had been snatched. It
(Continued on Page Four)

After a concentrated
search by local police, Algiez Buzzon
was f Hind yesterday in the Dispensary. Young Buzzon had been missing from his corner in Murphy's
poolroom since February 4
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municated
with his poolroom
friends, he said he had been waiting in the Dispensary since his disappearance from Murphy s. and
his turn would surely come next.
This, the girl at the desk flatly
denied, "The doctor is busy," she
gargled. "You will have to wait in
line."
Examination of Buzzon by a
downtown physician revealed the
student had a broken leg and a deep
gash in his head which was u'l
bleeding profusely.
conBuzzon. still surprisingly
scious, explained
he had been
tripped by "Smoky" Joe Jackson,
another denizen of Murphy's "black
hole" while the two were fighting
over a cigar butt. The head gash was
attributed to the backlash of a billiard player.
His condition was reported aa
"fair," hospital attaches said they
thought they believed they were
told.

Crutcher Requests
Students To Walk
On Campus Grass

IXX.ff

t
!V -

Choice Ends Trustees

Search
For Head

Year-Lon- g

After a year of energetic
backtracking and retrenching, the University Board of Trustees yesterday named Dr. Livien
Veigh of Hollywood, Cal.. new president of the University to succeed
Dr. Frank L. McVey on June 1
The selection, described by authoritative sources as an attempt
to glamorize administrative education, came last night after an
meeting of the Board in Room
307 of the Phoenix hotel. Bellboys
said that during the meeting they
were
to supply sufficient ginger ale.
Doctor Veigh. who has made several educational motion pictures
dealing with sex below the Mason-Dix- on
line and life among London's
ladies of elastic virtue, is a prominent sex information expert. She
is president of the American Society for the Advancement of Agitation, and director of the National
Institute for the Promotion of Red
Corpuscles. She holds degrees from
the Universities of Sauk Center.
Belgrade and Minsk, and the Massachusetts Institute of Sexoicgy.
The Board of Trustees' decision
folowed a week of weighty delibera
tion of eligible candidates. Nominees were judged according to qualifications of waistline, calf size, hair
color, brand of lipstick, and general
accessibility. All of the members of
the Board state that Miss Veigh
was selected only after the most
careful study.
After being closeted with Doctor
Veigh in the hotel for an hour
Judge Richard C. Scowl,
chairman of the executive committee, said. "Figuratively speaking,
think we have chesen the righ'
person."
Another Board member
expressed the opinion that Dr
Veigh was "very understanding
Dr. McVey announced that ho
too was pleased with the choic-."May is a thrilling month." he sa: J.
"and doubly so now that Doctor
Veigh is here. Pass me the sMla.
please."
Doctor Veigh declined comment
last night, although her secretary
said the glamor doctor had alreadv
made plans for installing a nickel-odia- n
in the president's
office
Meanwhile, two nurses and six football players were applying cold
towels to Miss Veighs head in an
'Continued "
Page Two
man-derin- g.

all."

,VV

KyJ

Three members of the Board of Trustees are shown
above as they chose Dr. Livien Veigh of California to
head the University for the next 20 years (or during
good behavior). Dr. Veigh was selected according to
qualifications laid down at a UK Senate meeting held
earlier this month.

According to official announcement late last fall from the offices
of Maury Crutcher, head of the
buildings and grounds department,
all students must walk on the grass
because the lawn mowers are broken and the University appropriations have been cut so much that
they don't have money to repair
the mowers any more.
Mr. Crutcher said he had other
more or less official organizations
which have been furthering a campaign to keep the grass down, were
forced to offer this ultimatum after
a little counter-campaiwhich
the Kernel ran was so successful.
gn

all-d-

hard-press-

Horlacher To Rein Over Pigs, Chicks At Ag Festival

By "LET EM RACK"
Question: How would you improve
tlie air in the different "new" buildings on the campus?
ANSWERS
Chester Insko, Grad. Student
Well, I really don't know, but I do
think that it should be improved.
Thank you."
Golden-bo- y
Hughes. Some year,
"I really think
freshman maybe
that due to the supercilious vicarious
nature of the air you ought to try
and elevate the buildings."
"I
Joe Intermaggio, graduate
ain't been here to see the air, but
if it is as bad as Pete tells me it is

McGoIdrick Favored
As First Dairy

Maid

Coronation of L. J. Horlacher.
dictator of the cow college, as queen
of one of the ducky chicken shows
and pig parades which the college
has every week or so, was announced by Thomas P. Cooper, tired
and lonely, aloof director of experifarming
Remember that propaganda mental meeting yesterday following
a dull
of the farm council.
utid teusorship affect all news
Horlacher who was born several
hundred years too late in Jeepers
in The Kernel.
d
Creek, stole a diploma in
frog production from
then I think that it is up to Grahigh school in 18G0. He has
ham OBannon to fix it. Thank
long been notorious for his tyranyou."
Pete Gragis, Senior, "Right with nical glamour and dictatorial fasyou, Jo. but you know how some of cination.
From 4 to 5 a. m. Sunday mornthese Profs talk. With some of
thetn carrying on the way they do ing a section of the festival proit is hard to get any "pure" air in gram will have its burn yard ftench
aired thru University radio studios
any of the bldgs."
"I aided by the berps of Bromo Sulzer
John Russell, Eng. Senior
really ain't got nothing to say at who has been suffering from stomick
trouble.
this time. Thank you."
The radio program will include a
Ralph Jackowaski, Senior "I believe that if more of the profs corn husking contest so listeners
played football outdoors and left can hear the sound of the little
the buildings to take care of them- grains as they fall on the studio
selves that the stale air would soon floors and a two hour brief speech
I really don't by Cooper on how the farmers have
take care of the .
three-legge-

Hip-Leng- th

to raise more hogs, to market more
pork to feed more Europeans to help
the stock market to raise the price
of food so the city pepole can't buy.
so we'll all starve to death so we
won't have to go to war.
Queen-eleHorlacher will be
crowned by a broken bottle neck
from a pint of ole joe which he
will have consumed to bolster his
modest courage. Al Strauss, flunkey
for Oughta Data, an honery farm
club, will do the crowning, contriving to cut Horlacher's throat in the
process, so they can bury the prof,
so the farmers can be free again
and go native.
including
Educational
exhibits
ct

worn out pieces of harness, old
smelling overalls, bones from long
ago butchered cows, and an ole hoof
or two will be an added attraction.
A
milkmaids contest will climax the affair and it is
believed that Louise McGoIdrick.
wide-eye- d
innocent of the housekeeping department will be the winner. The girls will milk sea cows
if the men get back from whaling
in time.
Music for the mad farmer's fair
g
will be furnished by a
chorus from the engineer's pool at
a cost of several thousand dollars.
The engineers always get theirs
Fighting all year for the Job ol
buck-tooth-

buil-fro-

ringmaster have been John Tuttle and HE says that even more people
and Glenn Clay, embryonic seed are expected this year.
growers.
Tickets are being given away to- -'
Hook and Bridle 'em club will day and it is expected that Hot- hold a pledging orgey for some half
Remember that propaganda
wit boys fresh from the sticks and
and censorship tiffed all news
the boys will do some stunts.
Other features of the program in The Kernel.
will be a decayed-stoc- k
showmanship contest and a tin plate supper lacher will be paying five dollars to
under the auspices of the Happy every one who will guarantee to atHomemakers club.
An ole thin tend the mess. All cow college stuturkey and some worn eaten apples dents are threatened with life imwill be given as door prizes.
prisonment if they don't go. Well,
Five people attended the festival we mean.
last year, according to Franklin
Frazier, old broken down minister
If It's results you're after try ,
of propaganda for the farm school.
Carpets Little Liver Fills.

Student

nr as .vu uone
t
4 11

i--

In Fun
By Some Seniors

after paying Union
fees, senior fees, tuition,
etc., etc.
...

A handful of seniors put out tin:
paper today, with malice toward
none. It is customary to go iln
just once a year, and it's a lot of
fun.
We hope that nothing will be tak-- :
en seriously because it certainly

wasnt' written that

way.

THE SENIORS. Graduating

Kernel Dog Show Results

Seuii-weekl-

OF KKNTUCKY

LEXINGTON, KENTUCKY, FRIDAY.

Weak
World

FRIDAY IS5LE

Qualifications:
owner

Division I
Unusual fidelity on the part of dog and

Daisy Mae

Morry Hokomb
Sid Buckley
Jeanne
Bub Nash
Mary S.
At least 99 other entries in this class were disqualified
..

Runners up for ribbons were: M. V. W. (Scott Dickstein)

Division II
Qualifications: A reasonable assurance that dog will be
faithful to her owner and view versa.
Phil Carters
Joy Scott
Reggie Palmore
BirdslegS
Joe Creason
Sheila

Division HI
Qualifications:

Jack's Dot

o one knows, least of all

the judges.

Morgan
Robert Gaines
Bin Rodman

John

Rosalee
Virginia Girl

H- -

Lovings, a pedigreed pup. was entered but due to disputed ownership
Runners up: Hannah (George Lamason', Bennett (Jerome Day was disqualified. . . Cici Shumate entered Imp. Snag Houlihan but siimv
Leo (Keen A.shurst"; Biiius (Alan it was a female dog show, he was scratched.
Lula (Bob oany ttanas
'Chuck Lamed': Laura
Jo Reed, oiw "1 T'm
' Thai Olrl .M irthoH O1.!'.
t'"
.

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