-3.—
THE COMPLEAT HOMOSEXUAL theme, you may want to include how you
by switched heads with one of your sis-
Joe Lincoln ter's Barbie dolls, performing one of
the first gender re—assignments.

I suppose a duty which every homo- 3) While watching Bonanza, I used
sexual feels obligated to fulfill at to hope Little Joe would get shot, so
least once in his life is to explain why they would have to take off his shirt—
he chose to be gay. Usually an answer substitute the name of the idolized
to this eternal question is demanded.un- character from your favorite Show, if
der the most unpleasant circumstances, you so desire.
making it impossible to come up with a Now that you have the idea, I am
response which will not cause even the sure you can come up with some of your
most staunch of homophiles to wince. own. You will be surprised how easy
The typical scenarios are the parent-gay it is to make utter fools of some
child confrontation and the newly-in— straights.
formed friend-gay friend discussion—— There are numerous other misconcept
both of which we tend to avoid like Mex- tions about gay people which you may
ican water (for the same reasons). More be called upon to deny, clarify, or
often than not, of course, these encoun— blame on some other minority. Here is
ters are inevitable, and we might as a partial list in order that you will
well face it. But it is so hard to come not be caught by surprise:
up with a plausible reason for being gay 1) Most gay men would not die if
while your mother is trying her new- the word "hot" were removed from their
found martyrdom on for size or your vocabulary. (Severe depression would
straight roommate is giving constructive likely ensue, however.)
advice such as “And when I turn out the 2) Most lesbians are not hostile
lights, I better not hear your feet to men. (They may hit me if I do not
touch the floor". In our more rational include that point.)
moments we naturally know there is no 3) Most gay men do not want to "do
reason for your being gay; we just are. it" with straight men. (We want to

Another question frequently asked of "do it" with every man.)
us (and one of my personal favorites) is 4) Most gays and lesbians do not
"How did you know you were gay?" Since feel threatened by straights. (It is
the answer is so painfully obvious, the their laws, prejudices, and baseball
homosexual should feel free to come up bats we are not too crazy about.)
with as many sarcastic responses as he 5) Most gays and lesbians cannot
wishes until physical harm is actually "spot" one another instantly. (Just
threatened. If you -are not terribly because we all dress alike is no rea-
creative, here are some good answers you son to assume this.)
may wish to borrow as written or to tai- I bet you did not realize being gay
lor them to your personal tastes. Re- was so complex, did you? Just think
member, the question is "How did you of all the reSponsibilities you are
know you were gay?" (Expect some occa- expected to fulfill, the questions you
sional paraphrasing.) ' will be asked, the talents you will be

1) I answered an ad on a matchbook assumed to possess, and the pressure
cover that said, "If you can draw this you will probably be under to keep
flower arrangement, you may be a homo— your private life private. So if we
sexual." can still be called "gay" after all

2) I found myself making my G.I. Joe this, we must be doing something right
dolls commit crimes against nature—~this
one is good for at least a half-hour of
sordid details, especially if you in-
volve a German G.I. Joe or two. Also
mention how much creativity it took on \
your part since the dolls are made with—
out genitals. As a variation on this